Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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