I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize