I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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