I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
