I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
