I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
