when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
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Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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