i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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