He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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