I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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