May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
