the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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