dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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