Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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