Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
