this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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