Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
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His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
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We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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