I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You dont lie about slip and slides
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
