I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
