I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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