I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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