If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
