Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
