so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
