I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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