He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
