I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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