Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
