the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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