You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
