I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
