god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
