I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
