Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My penis needs a shock collar
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Randomize
