I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
