Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
