im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
