dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
