when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
