I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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