u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
did i just pee glitter
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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