There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
