I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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