dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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