I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
