so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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