Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
