I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
