So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
