A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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