you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
