i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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