Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
