Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
