This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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